also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Randomize
