I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
