Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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