I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
