Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
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