i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Randomize
