giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
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