I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Randomize
