I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I have aggressive nipples.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Randomize
