when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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