Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
