I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
