pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
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