Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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