Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Randomize
