My hand turned me down
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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