i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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