i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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