OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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