The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Randomize
