i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Randomize
