he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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