i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
