it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I stole a fireplace last night.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
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