I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
