A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
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