I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Randomize
