Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Randomize
