We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
