I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Randomize
