There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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