Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
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