I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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