I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
