I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize