Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Randomize
