I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Randomize
