if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
