i'm lost and i look like a hooker
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
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