You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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