In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Randomize
