you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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