So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
