I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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