so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
