walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
i think my cat just said my name.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
