your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
