Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
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