someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
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