Cold hands, warm shart.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Randomize
