The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Randomize
