Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
