I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
