I'm eating all of the evidence.
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
