Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
