She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Randomize
